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2012-03-18- Мужики, моя-то недавно с курорта вернулась, похорошела - не узнать!
- Так это ж какая-то другая женщина... allanecdots.ru
- Точно?
- Ну да...
- То-то я думаю, - чего это она так плохо в квартире ориентируется...
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Встречаются двое друзей.
- Привет, Вась, ты что такой грустный? allanecdots.ru
- Да ты представляешь, жена меня сегодня обозвала старым козлом!
- Да ладно, Вась, не такой уж ты и старый.
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В музыкальном отделе магазина.
- Девушка, у вас запись "Дюны" есть? allanecdots.ru
- Молодой человек, вы на второй этаж поднимитесь - у нас там покемонов продают, может, и ваши запиздюны там есть...
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- Мама, мне надоело, что ко мне постоянно пристают мужики.
- А ты прекрати так вульгарно краситься, дурачок... allanecdots.ru
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Маленькие хитрости: чтобы склеить разбитую на две части чашку без клея, плотно сожмите оба куска и не отпускайте никогда...
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Дело вовсе не в тебе, дело во мне! Ты же не виновата в том, что мне не нравятся скучные толстые девки...
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- Папа, купи мне шоколадку!
- Ты уже взрослая для сладостей. allanecdots.ru
- Правда? Значит, мне можно пить, курить и приводить домой мальчиков?
- Тебе какую, горькую или молочную?
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Муж с женой смотрят фильм ужасов. На экране появляется ведьма.
Жена: allanecdots.ru
- Ой, мама!
Муж:
- Узнала, да?))
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78-летняя Клавдия Петровна знала,что на неё все равно не подумают,поэтому спокойно ссала в лифте!
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- Дорогой, когда мы поженимся, я буду делить с тобой все твои тревоги и заботы.
- Но, милая, у меня нет никаких тревог и забот! allanecdots.ru
- Я же говорю - когда мы поженимся!
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Приходит девушка устраиваться на работу в стрип-клуб. Ей велят раздеться и пройтись по сцене. Она это делает. Просят потанцевать у шеста - танцует. Наконец ей говорят:
- Спасибо, вы нам не подходите. allanecdots.ru
- Почему?
- Хромает пластика, есть проблемы с фигурой...
- Да, но я вообще-то пришла устраиваться бухгалтером!
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