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Иван
2013-07-20Слушается судебное дело о изнасиловании менеджером(М) уборщицы(У).
Судья спрашивает обвиняемого как было дело. allanecdots.ru
-(М) Выхожу из кабинета директора, получил там пиздюлей, зарплату не прибавили, вообщем все говно, надо пар спустить, смотрю уборщица раком ко-мне двигается пол моет. Ну я не сдержался и вдул....
Рассказывает уборщица:
-(У) Коридор у нас длинный и узкий, стою нагнувшись полы протираю, вдруг чувствую кто-то пристраивается, и бац засадил гад...
Судья у (У) спрашивает так перед вами коридор длинный был, чего же не побежали?
-(У) ПО_ЧИСТОМУ???!!!
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Перед сном Клеопатра спрашивает у служанки:
- Кто сегодня готов отдать жизнь за ночь со мной? allanecdots.ru
- Кощей Бессмертный!
- Достали меня уже эти хитрожопые русские.
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Недавно спам раздавали у метро со словами "вот какая-то хуйня тут". Не смог не взять.
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Дмитрий Медведев считает, что Думу распускать нельзя. Потому что это уникальная, не имеющая аналогов коллекция феерических долбоёбов.
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Брифинг Почты России:
- А как вы письма доставляете? allanecdots.ru
- Почтальон носит.
- Я имел в виду – из города в город?
- Почтальон носит.
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Муж жене:
- Как тебе удается быть такой спокойной после того, как я наору на тебя? allanecdots.ru
- Я просто чищу унитаз.
- Как же это может успокаивать?
- А я чищу твоей зубной щеткой.
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Чтобы показать женщине, что она все еще молода, никогда не уступай ей место в автобусе!
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Филолог приходит на работу с огромным синяком под глазом. Начальник его спрашивает:
— Ну как же так? Вы же интеллигентнейший человек! Откуда же это у Вас? allanecdots.ru
— Да Вы понимаете... Пили чай у одной милейшей особы. В числе приглашенных был один военный. Вот он начал рассказывать:
— "Был у меня в роте один хуй..."
А ему говорю :
— "Извините, но правильно говорить не в роте, а во рту"
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Поставь на автоответчик звуки обычных гудков и узнаешь, что о тебе думают в моменты, когда ты долго не берёшь трубку.
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— Вы говорите по-английски?
— Только со словарем. allanecdots.ru
— А с людьми стесняетесь?
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Палач всю ночь готовился к юбилейной — 1000-й казни, топор наточил до состояния бритвы. Утром на помосте приговоренный кладет голову на плаху, взмах топора...
Приговоренный: allanecdots.ru
— Что, уже все?
Палач:
— Да.
— А почему я ничего не чувствую?
— А ты кивни...
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