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Иван
2013-08-08Объявление:
«Коллекторское агентство вернет под умеренный процент супружеский долг». allanecdots.ru
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Жара. Душный автобус. Давка. Кто-то неслышно пернул. Вонь. Народ начинает возмущаться: "... никакого уважения к людям! ... да как можно в такой духоте! ... кто это сделал?! ! %: ? &(@#... ". Никто не признается, конечно. Один мужик говорит, что готов вычислить пернувшего. Он достает длинную-длинную веревку и говорит, чтобы каждый в автобусе взялся за нее правой рукой. Все берутся, веревка разматывается, образуя, подчас, немыслимые зигзаги, чтобы все могли дотянуться...
Мужик: allanecdots.ru
- Ну что, все взялись правой рукой?
- Да-а-а!
- И тот, кто пернул?
- Да!
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Начальник тюрьмы обращается к смертнику, сидящему на электрическом стуле:
- Ваше последнее желание? allanecdots.ru
- Пожалуйста, держите меня за руку. Мне так будет спокойнее.
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Автор "Смурфиков" работал на советской стройке! Во-первых, потому что СМУ это строительно-монтажное управление, во-вторых, все герои в касках, в-третьих, всегда синие.
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- Серега ты дверь закрыл?
- Закрыл. allanecdots.ru
- На ключ?
- Да на ключ.
- На 2 оборота?
- Да на 2.
- Так парни Сереге больше не наливать - мы же в палатке!
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Мальчишки глазеют на новобрачных, выходящих из церкви.
- Давай напугаем их, - предлагает один. allanecdots.ru
- Я сам! - заявляет другой.
Подходит к новоиспечённому супругу и говорит:
- Отличный выбор, папа!
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Идут двое русских по Германии.
Один – другому: allanecdots.ru
– Спорим, что любой немец понимает по-русски?
– Да ну!
– Ну, смотри.
Подходит к первому попавшемуся немцу и говорит:
– Поцелуй меня в задницу.
– WAS?
– Да-да, меня и его тоже.
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У театрального гардероба жена шепчет мужу:
— Ты сошел с ума, дал гардеробщику тысячу! allanecdots.ru
— Да, но посмотри, какая шуба!
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Сантехник Василий кладет трубы по фэншую… Хотя нет! Не так! Сантехнику Василию по Фэншую, как он кладет трубы!
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Клиенты и персонал куррортной гостницы стоят на ушах после известия, что туда на медовый месяц прибывает пара - жених 90 лет и невеста 25. Когда они прибыли, старичок представлял из себя такое жалкое зрелище, что все стали опасаться, что первая брачная ночь его убьет. Однако, следующим утром невеста медленно вышла из номера и, судорожно вцепившись в перила спустилась, на первый этаж. Портье, увидев ее в таком виде, спросил, что произошло.
Дама: allanecdots.ru
- Он говорил, что копит уже 70 лет. Я думала, он о деньгах...
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Женщина с маленьким сыном встречает на улице свою очень красивую подругу и говорит сыну:
— Гриша, поцелуй тетю. allanecdots.ru
— Нет, мама.
— Гриша, я что тебе сказала?
— Мама, я сказал нет!
— Ну-ка давай, не упрямься! Почему ты не хочешь поцеловать тетю?
— Потому что папа вчера пытался ее поцеловать и получил пару пощечин!
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