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Gergt
2014-09-25Моя жена не желает взрослеть. Я принимаю ванну, а она топит мои кораблики.
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Женщине ночью снится кошмар, она громко кричит и будит мужа.
- Что с тобой, дорогая?- спрашивает он. allanecdots.ru
- Мне приснилось, будто за мной гнались людоеды, а впереди меня оказалась пропасть. Мне ничего не оставалось делать, я прыгнула и полетела вниз. К счастью, мне удалось ухватиться за деревце, торчащее из скалы... И после этого я проснулась.
- Ну вот видишь, ты спаслась! Так что можешь теперь деревце отпустить!
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Решивший жениться мужчина долго думал, какую из трех влюбленных в него девушек взять в жены. Он решил каждой дать по 5000 долларов и выяснить, как они ими будут распоряжаться. Первая накупила дорогой одежды, лучшей косметики, сходила в элитный салон красоты - в общем, сделала все, чтобы выглядеть идеально, и сказала: "Я очень люблю тебя и хочу, чтобы все знали, что у тебя самая красивая жена в городе". Вторая истратила все деньги на своего потенциального мужа, купив ему новые костюмы, рубашки, инструменты для автомобиля, и сказала: "Ты - самое главное для меня, поэтому я истратила на тебя все деньги". Третья пустила 5000 долларов в оборот, заработала еще 5000 и все вернула мужчине: "Я очень люблю тебя. Я сделала это, чтобы ты понял, что я умна и не расточительна". Мужчина подумал - и женился на той, у которой грудь была больше.
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После просмотра патриотического фильма учитель спрашивает у детей, кому кто понравился. Одному подвиг солдата, другому- как санитарка раненого спасла. А Вовочка говорит:- А мне больше всего понравился наркоман.
- Какой такой наркоман. Там не было наркоманов. allanecdots.ru
- Был, он все время затягивался и говорил: "Хороший у вас план, товарищ Жуков!"
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Пришла в больницу девушка проведать своего парня. Увидев возле палаты женщину в белом халате, она обратилась к ней:
- Я могу увидеть больного? allanecdots.ru
- А кем вы ему приходитесь?
- Я его сестра.
- Рада с вами познакомиться: я его мама.
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Если кто-то играет футбольным мячом на волейбольной площадке в баскетбол, то дело скорее всего происходит в России.
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Идет суд над красавицей. Встает адвокат:
- Господин судья! Вы только посмотрите на нее! Какие глубокие глаза, прекрасная шея, изумительные волосы! А какая восхитительная грудь! Какая попа! Какие ноги... Я кончил господин судья. allanecdots.ru
Судья: - Я тоже, но это к делу не относится.
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Почему, когда мужчина сразу хочет ceкc - это нормально! А когда женщина сразу хочет шубу - это наглость!
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Мы установили в супермаркете 30 касс, чтобы 28 из них не работали.
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Когда я заметила, что 70% своей зарплаты трачу на алкоголь, я все-таки взяла себя в руки и устроилась на вторую работу.
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Две молодые дамы разговаривают о своих детях.
- Нет, мой Игорек меня по ночам не беспокоит. Как только он начинает плакать, я ему сразу пою колыбельную... allanecdots.ru
- Я раньше тоже так делала, - вздыхает другая. Но соседи сказали: "Маша, пусть лучше он орет"
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