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2019-01-20Сидят два еврея в кустах, делают дела «по большому». Обсудили финансы, экономический кризис, девушек и машины. Сидят дальше, молчат, думают... Вдруг один спрашивает:
- Слушай, Шмулик, мы сейчас трудимся? allanecdots.ru
- Трудимся, - отвечает Галь.
- Трудимся, - повторяет за ним Шмулик и продолжает, - а каким трудом мы сейчас занимаемся: физическим или интеллектуальным?
- Хм, интересный вопрос. - отвечает Галь, - Думаю, что интеллектуальным.
- Почему?
- Иначе, мы бы кого-нибудь наняли.
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- Подберите мне галстук.
- Вот эта модель выдерживает вес взрослого мужчины. allanecdots.ru
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Классный руководитель разговаривает с мамой одного из своих учеников-первоклассников:
- Будьте помягче со своим сыном. Вы воспитываете его слишком строго! allanecdots.ru
- С чего Вы это взяли?!
- Когда я спросила, как его зовут, он сказал: "Вова Перестань!"
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В ателье к Рабиновичу заходит Яша и просит:
- Сфотографируйте меня, чтобы я выглядел героически. allanecdots.ru
- Хорошо. Давайте вот сюда поставим водочку и жареную курочку, а вы гордо отвернётесь.
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Вовочка никак не мог взять в толк, почему, в отличие от других учителей, молоденькая и красивая учительница биологии вызывала его отца в школу не после того, как он получал "двойку", а перед тем, как поставить ему "четверку" или "пятерку"!
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Вовочка очень долго просил папу сводить его в зоопарк. Папе все было то некогда, то лень... Однажды вовочкина мама папе говорит:
- Ну когда ты уже сводишь ребенка в зоопарк? Ты же уже давно обещаешь! Да и сочинение им как раз задали о животных. Своди, чтобы ребенку было, о чем писать! allanecdots.ru
Делать нечего, пришлось папе сына вести. Через несколько дней учительница позвала Вовочку на перемене и говорит:
- Я проверила твое сочинение о животных. Но не все поняла. Вот, например, объясни мне, что ты имел в виду, когда написал: "Мой папа был очень рад, когда в зоопарке первой к финишу пришла лошадь, на которую он поставил 30 к 1"?
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- Ну что, решил где встречать Новый год будешь, или снова как лох вместе с родоками?
- Ну маам, не начинай! allanecdots.ru
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- Вовочка, ты можешь назвать самые счастливые пять лет своей жизни?
allanecdots.ru
- Да! Самые счастливые пять лет моей жизни были, когда я учился в первом классе!
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Бедный Рабинович идет по улице и видит проходящую мимо богатую похоронную процессию - черные Роллс-ройсы, море цветов, женщины в мехах, гроб с золотыми ручками...
allanecdots.ru
- Да, вот это жизнь! - вздыхает Рабинович.
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Приехала в гости сварливая свекровь. Ходит по квартире, проверяет чистоту и порядок. Проводит пальцем по книжной полке. На пальце слой пыли, она тычет этим пальцем невестке в лицо и говорит:
- Знаешь, какая поговорка есть про это? allanecdots.ru
Невестка быстро отвечает:
- Конечно: «Свинья везде грязь найдет».
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Дорогая редакция! Ответьте мне, пожалуйста, Дед Мороз всё-таки есть или его нет? А то мама говорит, что есть, а жена смеётся
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