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Vaserman_Druz_
2019-02-01
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- А теперь я познакомлю тебя со своей семьёй. Это мама, Наталья Петровна.
- Очень приятно! allanecdots.ru
- Это бабушка, Анастасья Викторовна.
- Добрый вечер, вы замечательно выглядите!- Это прабабушка, Антонина Евлампиевна.
- Ух ты. Рад видеть…
- Это прапрабабушка, Евгения Карловна.
- Ээ…- Это прапрапрабабушка, Елизавета Петровна.
- Милая, а мужчины у вас в семье были?
- Конечно, были! У нас они просто долго не живут…
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Когда в Совете Федераций объявили, что сейчас произойдёт задержание по подозрению в убийстве, половина сенаторов схватилась за сердце. Вторая половина не поняла по-русски.
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На вопрос преподавателя анатомии, как устроены женские половые органы, студентка грустно вздохнула: пока ещё никак.
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В Единой России опасаются, что на следующих выборах влияние на результаты могут оказать избиратели.
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Однажды я подарил пустой конверт молодоженам и его при мне вскрыли.Так что я уже ничего не боюсь.
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Кузнец держит щипцами раскалённую подкову.
- Боже, какая она горячая! - восхищается крестьянин. allanecdots.ru
- Да ладно! - говорит кузнец. - Дадите десятку, так я её языком оближу.
В предвкушении необычного зрелища крестьянин протянул кузнецу денежку. Кузнец облизал десятку и положил в карман.
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Отдыхает русский в зарубежном отеле. Ол инклюзив, все дела, наедается до отвалу. Тут ему приспичивает в туалет. Мужик добегает до своего номера и наваливает огромную кучу. С чувством невероятного облегчения жмет на смыв, но ничего не происходит. После десятка тщетных попыток русский вылавливает в коридоре консьержа и, дико стесняясь, на ломанном английском пытается объяснить проблему. Консьерж в растерянности, и мужик решает продемонстрировать проблему наглядно, жестом ведя за собой в туалет.
Консьерж в недоумении смотрит на огромную кучу говна, а русский тычет в унитаз пальцем и говорит: allanecdots.ru
- Look!
Нажимает кнопку, говно смывается.
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Едет мужик по дороге. Вдруг видит гостиницу, а она только для черных, "да ерунда" подумал мужик, измазался гуталином и пошел внутрь. Поел, попил, приходит на ресепшен и говорит:
- Мне завтра рано встать надо, я тороплюсь, разбудите? allanecdots.ru
- Без проблем, разбудим
На следующий день в 6 утра его подрывают, он в спешке собирается и уезжает. Проехал уже прилично и думает "надо бы гуталин смыть". Начинает тереть - не оттирается. Он трет сильнее - не оттирает. Начинает с остервенением себя оттирать, останавливается, хватается за голову и орет: - ДА ОНИ НЕ ТОГО МУЖИКА РАЗБУДИЛИ!
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- Мне завтра рано встать надо, я тороплюсь, разбудите? - Без проблем, разбудим На следующий день в 6 утра его подрывают, он в спешке собирается и уезжает. Проехал уже прилично и думает "надо бы гуталин смыть". Начинает тереть - не оттирается. Он трет сильнее - не оттирает. Начинает с остервенением себя оттирать, останавливается, хватается за голову и орет: - ДА ОНИ НЕ ТОГО МУЖИКА РАЗБУДИЛИ!" data-url="https://allanecdots.ru/83724/" data-title="Разные" data-image="https://allanecdots.ru/smajlik.jpg" data-services="whatsapp,vkontakte,collections,facebook,odnoklassniki,moimir,gplus,twitter,lj,viber,telegram" data-limit="3"> |
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- Дорогой, пожалуйста, объясни сыну помягче, что его хомячок сдох.
- Сын, иди сюда! Отжимайся! 1,2,3,4,5,6… allanecdots.ru
- Все, не могу больше…
- Что?! Сдох?!!
- Да…
- Вот и хомяк твой тоже!
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Программист идет в магазин.
Жена просит купить его булку, а если будут яйца, то десяток. allanecdots.ru
Приходит в магазин, говорит :
- У вас яйца есть?
- Есть.
- Десять булок, пожалуйста.
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